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| this was what made my night even more insightful
Holding on and waiting is nice, yes, but only if you know for sure he's gonna be there in the end.
yea. needed to hear a lot abt this. and boy was it long overdue. i know i hear it from other people in different ways, but tonight i was really listening. its hard ya know, to be more logical and set your feelings aside.
i was having such a good cry thinking abt some good and bad things that have happened these past 6 months. there are a lot of things i wish i did differently, but there isnt much i can do but to learn and move on. i'm not quite sure why i'm still crying, i'm not talking abt it anymore. maybe i'm overwhelmed with the things i've realized tonight. it just felt like opening an old wound thinking about it again. i don't want to let go, god knows how much i don't want to. he loves me, but things arent going to happen anything time soon.
there are just things i needed to see a long time ago. my heart (metaphorically speaking) is where it has been for the past 3 yrs.
we'll see if it stays that way
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| connie: no really, i even composed a break up letter
bobby: wow u really are a nerd
connie: yea, you care about having fun
bobby: yea, and you don't
connie: well it's not like we hate each other
bobby: ya know... we still have 20 mins left on the room
(both reach for each other's hand)
bobby: may i hold your hand for the last time connie?
connie: i'd be honored
this episode holds a special place for me | | |
| so yesterday as i was watching sound of music with lil O. made me cry a little cuz i want that love between the captain and maria for me and jp. i changed my wallpaper on my phone to this very handsome pic of jp. made me even more sad. i know that pushing him away like that was wrong but i was just scared of putting myself out in the relationship again. i mean i did that before and i didnt get the feedback i needed. im not mad at him for any of this, he's only trying to give me what i really deserve but very bad timing.
im scared that if i am fully commited to him, he'll hurt me again. like things can only go so good for so long. im not sure if things r gonna b ok after all the good has run out. its a thing that happens a lot in our relationship, we're really good for a while and then i have to prepare myself for when it gets bad again. its a horrible mentality, i kno, but it happens so often that its inevitable. i havent sobbed like i did last night in soooo long. i woke up this morning with my eyes really puffy and swollen.
i tried to tell him yesterday that im ready for this. i really dont think it could get any worse, but im ok with it if it does. i could see that hes changed. i just really needed to tell him this in person, but he didnt wanna b there to here it. except it turned into a really bad convo on the phone and online. :sigh: i only wanted to say something to him that i thought he should hear as soon as possible. stupid me, i had a present for him too, but watevs.
we'll see what happens friday, IF we actually meet up to clear this up. 
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| so its always been a while since i last updated. things have been up and down, nothing great, but a lot of bad. im still trying to keep my head up. my friends keep saying how im neglecting them becuz im always working. wish they would stop by my job once in a while, but luckily i recently went to a party last minute, where most of my girlfriends were at. they kept saying how skinny i got, and asking what my secret was. haha STRESS! ive been neglecting jp recently and same went for him, and that didnt exactly turn out the way we both really want it but we're gonna get better. slowly but surely.... i dont really get into that right now, im already trying to hold back tears.
my job is getting worse. from what i've heard, its never been that bad at the store. the only steady thing going on is babysitting. mondays and wednesdays are my stress relievers; having to really feel like im useful in someone's life. i had so much fun with him today, but regardless it takes a lot of energy to take care of him.
i need a hug. and all these damn videos are killing me
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| well i realize today that im far behind in a few of my classes due to pure laziness. not exactly how i pictured my freshman year in college, i didnt picture myself working either, but that happened too.
i had fun having "girl talk" at work. you would not believe some of the things these girls would say lol. i enjoyed the conversation, poor Chris tho, he didnt know how to relate to any of the things we were talking about. now at work, all the girls are jealous of me and my romantic boyfriend; i told them the story of the night he serenaded me and got me back  but unfortunately i got home pretty late from work tho. almost 12. i didnt get to see jp before i went home like i planned and on top of that, i hardly got any sleep last night cuz i had anthro this morning. now i have to poop and my tummy's all bubbly. in a couple of minutes i'll be on the phone with my babe.
im looking for christmas gifts online, and i think i got it down. not to sound selfish or anything but i cant wait for them to open the gifts up and thank me lol
i was looking through my emails while i was on the train this morning. i was thinking about how much i missed jp when he left. how i hated waited 5 min for an im from him and how happy i got when i finally got to see a picture of him. you really dont know what you have until there's a few states between you guys, even when it was only 2weeks [it was planned to be longer] but boy, do i love him. | | |
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